Tripp Atkinson

Pastor, Speaker, Consultant

Relationships

7 Questions to Ask Before Dating

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Wk 2 from High School series “Status” at Sugar Hill Church.  For more information on how your Middle or High School student can be a part of teaching series like these with hundreds of other students, check out www.SugarHillStudents.com.

When students ask if a dating relationship is a good idea, my answer is always the same.  “It depends.”  I’ve seen some high school relationships handled extremely well, and they have proved to be mutually encouraging  and beneficial.  I have seen other high school relationships (OK, most of them) that end in heartache, regret, and ruined friendships.  Much of this pain and regret can be avoided by taking the time to wisely and honestly answer a few questions on the front end.

“Enthusiasm without knowledge is no good; haste makes mistakes.” – Proverbs 19:2

Here are seven questions to ask to determine if a relationship is a good idea…

7 Questions to ask before dating…

1) Am I being led by the Lord?

You may have talked to a best friend or sibling about it, but have you talked to God about it?  James 1:5 states, “If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking.”

God also leads us through the power of his Word (Psalm 119:105), the prompting of his Spirit (John 14:26), and the counsel of wise mentors (Proverbs 19:20).

The best advice I ever heard on discerning the will of God was this: “Walk with God, and he will never lead you out of his will.”  God wants the very best for you…allow him to lead you to it!

2) Are my parents supportive of this?

I know, I know.  Your parents know nothing of this dating thing.  It’s a brand new concept that’s only been around a few years.  And besides, they want you to be miserable, right?!  While some students actually think this, there comes a time for virtually every student (typically a couple of years into college) when you will realize the wisdom and value of parents.  I have seen many, many students determined to be in a relationship against their parents’ wishes, only to have major regret later.

If you are in high school, here is the bottom line:  while the Bible does not specifically call you to be in a dating relationship in high school, the Bible does clearly command you to honor your parents.

“Honor your father and mother. Then you will live a long, full life in the land the Lord your God is giving you.” – Exodus 20:12

If it is God’s will for you to ultimately be with someone, it will still be his will when you graduate high school.  Honor your parents.  It is not worth ruining your life-long relationship with your parents for the less-than-2% chance you may end up marrying your high school crush.

3) Do I know why I am dating?

There are two questions that will help you clarify this.

– What is the purpose of dating?  Serious question.
– Why do I want to date this person?  This answer will reveal a lot.

Write your answers to these questions on paper.  Seeing it can bring good perspective.  (You may also want to bring these answers to the conversation with you parents about dating.)

4) Am I fulfilled apart from the relationship?

God did not create Eve to complete Adam…or the other way around.  He created them to help each other. (Genesis 2:18) While God certainly does use us in each other’s lives, God never intended for others to be the primary object of our fulfillment.  No guy or girl will ever be able to save you from loneliness, depression, or insecurity.  God didn’t create them to do that.  God created you to seek him first (Matthew 6:33), and to be in a relationship with him before you seek fulfillment in anyone else.

We can only experience fulfillment in a love relationship with Christ.  In such a relationship, we begin to realize our true identity in Christ, and can begin to embrace our unique design.  As we do this, we can experience authentic relationships as a part of the body of Christ.

From lonely to fulfilled graphic. Tripp Atkinson

Moving from lonely to fulfilled.

(For more info on how you can find fulfillment in Christ, check out this article: “From Lonely to Fulfilled…“)

5) Are we going to help each other seek fulfillment in Christ?

Consider each aspect of the graphic above.  Is this person going to encourage you in these areas?

Here is some Scripture to consider:

2 Corinthians 6:14, “Don’t team up with those who are unbelievers. How can righteousness be a partner with wickedness? How can light live with darkness?”  Is this person a follower of Christ who is growing in their love relationship with him?

1 Corinthians 15:33, “Do not be misled: ‘Bad company corrupts good character.'”  I’ve heard many students state that God could use them in a dating relationship to change someone.  While God certainly can use us in the lives of others, this is a VERY unwise approach to dating.

2 Timothy 2:22, “Run from anything that stimulates youthful lusts. Instead, pursue righteous living, faithfulness, love, and peace. Enjoy the companionship of those who call on the Lord with pure hearts.”  So much heartache could be avoided by rightly discerning the motives of the heart.

So if you are convinced that the other person will encourage you in each of these areas, then will you honestly do the same?

6) Am I ready to date?

You probably already know the answer to this.  Based on your circumstances, maturity, season of life, spiritual condition, and other priorities, are you even ready to date?  Many students feel pressure to date or date out of a fear of missing an opportunity.  Don’t buy the lies.  What is the wise thing to do?

7) If this relationship does not lead to marriage, how do we want it to end?

I can guarantee you that VERY FEW students ask this question before they get in a relationship, but most wish they had after the relationship ends.  The reality is the overwhelming majority of high school relationships do not lead to marriage (over 98% is what I’ve read a number of places).  I know it sounds depressing to consider how a relationship would end before it even gets started, but such careful consideration could completely change how you view dating.

How many people do you know who were good friends before they started dating, and then their friendship was completely ruined by how the relationship was handled?  Yeah, me too.

Have a plan to avoid this as much as possible.  Answer the tough questions.

 

Here are 4 Practical Tips for Dating:

1. Build a great friendship before a serious relationship.
2. Seek wise counsel.
3. Set up clear boundaries and don’t ever cross those lines; you can never go back once you have.  (And things can quickly go downhill from there.)
4. Keep Christ at the center of everything you do.

 

And Always Remember This:

Psalm 37:3-4, “Trust in the Lord and do good…Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you your heart’s desires.”

God wants the best for you…don’t be afraid to wait for it!!

God wants the best for you…don’t be afraid to wait for it!!

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As you do, you can change your status from “looking” to “trusting.”

 

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From Lonely to Fulfilled…

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Wk 1 from High School series “Status” at Sugar Hill Church.  For more information on how your Middle or High School student can be a part of teaching series like these with hundreds of other students, check out www.SugarHillStudents.com.

Want to change your status from LONELY to FULFILLED?  Know that you are not alone and there is good news!  While people often turn to destructive behavior (relationally & sexually) in the name of “love,” there is a love that can truly satisfy…you just have to look in the right place.

The problem

Having worked with students for over 20 years, I have seen a TON of heartache, regret, and shame as a result of destructive behavior (relationally & sexually) in the name of “love.”  [DISCLAIMER: Students, this is true of us adults too!]  Sometimes the very thing that we think will fulfill or satisfy, is that thing that leaves us feeling alone.  If we look to people (or romance) to fulfill us, we will always have a problem when the flowers die.

The root of the problem

At the root of so many poor decisions is the the feeling of being “lonely.” The perception of loneliness has nothing to do with one’s social status or how many “friends” or followers one has. In fact, some of the loneliest people may be those surrounded by the largest crowds. Out of a feeling or perception of alone-ness, students (and adults, too) go to great lengths in search of fulfillment. Unfortunately, looking for fulfillment in a person or relationship can often compound the problem. Let’s take a look at the root of loneliness and explore how true fulfillment is found.

Reasons teens feel lonely

Here are just a few of the reasons I hear students say they feel alone.

Family problems (maybe the most painful)
“I don’t have any real friends.”
“I don’t feel accepted.”
“I’m not understood.”
“I’m not satisfied with my life.”
“I don’t like myself, so I think others don’t like me.”
“I can’t live up to the expectations of others.”
“Because of what I’ve done, no one can love me.”
“I have been told I’m… (worthless, ugly, ordinary, trash, etc.)”

The reality of feeling “lonely”

The root of our craving to not be alone is a God-given desire. In fact, loneliness is the first thing in Scripture that God said was not good (Genesis 2:18). God created us to live in community, both with him and with others. Like every God-given longing, he has a purpose and a plan in which to fully satisfy that desire. As with all things that God designed, we can choose to look to the creator of these longings to satisfy them, or we can choose to chase cheap imitations that can never satisfy and will ultimately leave us unfulfilled and feeling even more lonely.

The solution

Throughout Scripture, we see Jesus loving the lonely and confronting those things that they seek that leaves them empty. (Some great examples of this: John 4 – Woman at the well; John 5:1-9 – Jesus heals a lame man.)

So what is the solution for loneliness? How can one experience true fulfillment? There are four important aspects:

From lonely to fulfilled. Tripp Atkinson

From lonely to fulfilled.

1) Experience a love relationship with Christ. (Status: Loved)

God created mankind to be completely fulfilled in relationship with him. In the Garden of Eden, man and woman experienced harmony & fulfillment with God as well as harmony & fulfillment in relationship with each other through him. Sin changed everything.

Immediately, the loneliness of sin became clear. After mankind disobeyed God, we see that God went “searching” for man. Genesis 3:9, “Then the Lord God called to the man, Where are you?’” Although God obviously knew where he was, we see that man was hiding from God.  Sin broke fellowship in the Garden, and sin still breaks fellowship today.  The loneliness of sin is real.

The only cure for the loneliness of sin is the love of a Savior. “But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners.” (Romans 5:8) Through faith in the work of Christ on the cross, we can receive forgiveness of sin, experience abundant (& eternal life), and be fulfilled through a love relationship with him.  (To learn more about how to have a love relationship with Christ, click here.)

As you experience the ultimate love of Christ (1 John 4:8), you can change your status from lonely to loved.

2) Realize your identity in Christ. (Status: Valued)

As you experience a love relationship with Christ, you can begin to more fully understand your identity in him. You can know the basis for who you really are as described in Scripture. You can know:

 

Psalm 139:1 I am personally known by God.
Psalm 139:13-14 I am fearfully, wonderfully, and personally made by God.
Psalm 139:16  I am the object of God’s planning and will.
Zephaniah 3:17 I am the delight of God.
Romans 5:1 I am made right with God and at peace with him.
Romans 5:8 I am so incredibly loved.
Even while I was a sinner, Christ died in my place.
Romans 6:6 I am set free from the power of sin.
Romans 8:1 I am forgiven, and not condemned!
Romans 8:15   I am personally loved and adopted as God’s dear child.
Romans 8:38-39 I am absolutely secure in God’s love through Christ.
Nothing can separate me from his never-ending love.
Romans 12:4-5 I am an invaluable part of the Body of Christ.
1 Corinthians 12:18 I am uniquely made and gifted with purpose.
2 Corinthians 5:20 I am blessed with every spiritual blessing in Christ.
Ephesians 1:3 I am an heir of God according to his will.
Ephesians 1:11 I am God’s masterpiece!
Ephesians 2:10 I am equipped to make a difference in his kingdom.
Titus 3:7 I am eternally alive in him.

Who you are does not depend on what you do. Identity does not depend on titles, or positions, or social status. It depends on the wonderful fact that you are a child of God. You are God’s masterpiece, and you are valued and treasured simply for who you are.

As you realize your identity in Christ, you can change your status from lonely to valued.

3) Embrace your unique design. (Status: Content)

Understanding real love in Christ and your immeasurable value in him, you can begin to embrace and love your unique design.

The Apostle Paul reminds us of the importance of our unique design in Romans 12:4-6. He tells us, “Just as our bodies have many parts and each part has a special function, so it is with Christ’s body. We are many parts of one body, and we all belong to each other. In his grace, God has given us different gifts for doing certain things well.”

You are no accident and God has made you one-of-a-kind for a reason. All of your personality, passions, talents, and giftedness is what makes you YOU. And that is exactly what makes you an invaluable part of the body of Christ.

Embrace this! See the beauty of your unique design. Don’t waste your time wishing to be what someone else is. This only robs the body of Christ from the gift of YOU. Embrace and love your unique design.

Don’t waste your time wishing to be what someone else is. This only robs the body of Christ from the gift of YOU. #embrace

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As you do, you can change your status from lonely to content.

4) Pursue Authentic Community. (Status: Known)

We were created to live in community. Throughout Scripture, we see that community is a big deal. The Bible makes it clear that “Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble.” (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10)

Community is modeled for us in the Bible. Acts 2:42-47 is a beautiful description of what community looks like in the early church,

All the believers devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching, and to fellowship, and to sharing in meals (including the Lord’s Supper), and to prayer.  A deep sense of awe came over them all, and the apostles performed many miraculous signs and wonders. And all the believers met together in one place and shared everything they had. They sold their property and possessions and shared the money with those in need. They worshiped together at the Temple each day, met in homes for the Lord’s Supper, and shared their meals with great joy and generosity— all the while praising God and enjoying the goodwill of all the people. And each day the Lord added to their fellowship those who were being saved.

The Bible is clear as to the benefits of community and how we should live in community with one another.

Proverbs 27:17, “As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend.”

1 Thessalonians 5:11, “So encourage each other and build each other up, just as you are already doing.”

Romans 15:7, “Therefore, accept each other just as Christ has accepted you so that God will be given glory.”

Live in the reality of all God wants you to experience in authentic community. As you pursue authentic community, you can change your status from lonely to known.

Status: Fulfilled!

Biblical community is the context for spiritual formation, through which God makes us more like Christ. As we grow more in our love relationship with Christ, we more fully realize our value and can more fully embrace our unique design. In doing this, we can more rightly use our giftedness in the context of biblical community, and we discover each of these elements working together to lead us to a place that is the complete opposite of unfulfilled loneliness…that is complete fulfillment!

Don’t miss this… Through a love relationship with Jesus Christ, you can experience true love, realize & embrace your unique identity in him, and live in authentic community with others. All of these truly lead to a status of “fulfillment” in your life.

In Christ alone can you change your status from LONELY to FULFILLED!

In Christ alone can you change your status from lonely to fulfilled. #status

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Take it home…

If you were completely honest with yourself:

– Do you experience feelings of loneliness?
– What destructive behavior in your life is a result of coping with aloneness?
– What truth most resonates with you from the points above?
– Identify one thing you need to do this week to experience true fulfillment, and do it!

 

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Influences

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I read a headline a while back that said “18 year old girl can face manslaughter charge for allegedly encouraging boyfriend’s suicide, judge rules.”

Newsflash: If someone is encouraging you to hurt yourself, IT IS NOT A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP!!!

While I know it is an extreme example, this story illustrates a truth that so many of us experience in our own lives on different levels.  I’m talking about allowing voices to influence us that are not speaking truth in love or pointing us to God’s best for our lives.  All of us have influences in our lives that give us messages based on lies.  While these lies may not lead to our physical death, they may be calling us down paths that lead to pain, regret, and a cheap imitation of God’s best.

A principle we want all students to know is this:  Your life will be significantly shaped by your relationships.  That’s why I say, “Handle them with care!”

Scripture tells us,

As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another. – Proverbs 27:17

We all give and receive influence daily. Although we don’t have control over every source of influence in our lives (billboards, etc), we do have control over some of the most significant sources of influence… relationships. (When I say relationships, I mean ALL relationships, friendships, etc.)

Author Max Lucado says this, “Life comes with voices. Voices lead to choices. Choices have consequences.”

How can we evaluate the voices in our lives, and the influence of relationships?

I think there are 3 Key Questions we should ask to evaluate a relationship:

1) Conditional or unconditional?

Is the love experienced in your relationship conditional or unconditional?  Ask, “Is this person helping me or using me?”

1 Corinthians 13 describes what love looks like and what love does,

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not
dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts,
always hopes, always perseveres. – 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

So many relationships are based on “I love you if…”  If someone tells you that, it is not unconditional love.  According to 1 Corinthians 13, this self-seeking attitude is not love at all.

2) Truth or lie?

Is the relationship based on truth or a lie?  How open and honest are you with each other?  Do you pretend to be someone you are not just to get the approval of this person?

Authentic, healthy relationships give truth as well as receive truth…even when it hurts.

Wounds from a sincere friend are better than many kisses from an enemy. – Proverbs 27:6

Think about that.  It is better to have a loving friend hurt your feelings with the truth, than have someone “kiss up” with what you want to hear.  If you have a friend that loves you enough to be honest with you even when it hurts, you need to cherish and invest in that friendship!

So many relationships are based on lies, and the absence of absolute truth.  Don’t be fooled.

3) Best or Imitation?

Does this relationship point me towards God’s best for my life, or a cheap imitation of God’s best?

  • Is this person experiencing God’s best for their own life?

And you should imitate me, just as I imitate Christ. – 1 Corinthians 11:1

If someone is not living God’s best for their own life, why let them influence yours?

  • Does this person truly want God’s best for me?

So many relationships point us towards a cheap imitation of God’s best for our lives.  Such imitations can never satisfy.  Don’t settle for less, when God wants to give you more.

Remember, your life is significantly shaped by your relationships. Understand them and handle with care!

The 140:
Your life is significantly shaped by your relationships. Understand them and handle with care!

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This devotional is one in Sugar Hill Church’s First 30 devotional series for college students.
To access the podcasts of this devotional and the entire series, click here.
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Move On… (Getting past the WHO's & WHAT's that rob you of God's best)

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*The following is an outline from a message to High School students on HOW and WHEN to move on from those things that keep us from God’s best for our lives.

Summary:  If you want God’s best for your life, you’ve got to move on from the things that rob you from experiencing it.  Sometimes you need to move on from a WHO, other times it’s a WHAT.

 

Hebrews 12:1 – Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us.

Sometimes you need to move on from a WHO
– Relationship
– Friendship
– Someone who hurt you

Sometime you need to move on from a WHAT
– Past
– Guilt / Shame
– Pain
– Lies
– Abuse

 

Here are some keys to knowing WHEN to move on:

 

1)  Step back and look at the big picture.

  •  Evaluate where you want to go
  • Is your current situation, life choices, relationships pointing your life in that direction?
  • What people or things are holding you back?

 

2) Make decisions based on truth, not feeling.

  • Feelings change, truth does not.
“Don’t sacrifice your future on the altar of monetary feelings.”
  •  Seek wisdom from someone who loves you & wants the best for you.

Proverbs 27:6 – Wounds from a sincere friend are better than many kisses from an enemy.

  • Meditate on truth.  “The truth will set you free.”

 

3)  Clarify the WHY.

  • The WHY is bigger than the WHO or the WHAT

 

4) Commit to action.

  • Make sure that the plan is:
    – Specific
    – Accountable

 

HOW to move on…

 

  1. Receive God’s forgiveness, then give it  (to yourself & others)

– Receive it.

1 John 1:9 – But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness.

Ephesians 3:17-19 – Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. 18 And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. 19 May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.

Psalm 103:11-12 – For his unfailing love toward those who fear him is as great as the height of the heavens above the earth. He has removed our sins as far from us as the east is from the west.

– Give it.

Colossians 3:13 – Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.

Unforgiveness doesn’t punish the other person, it punishes you.

A Few Words About Sexual Abuse

  • God understands your pain & cares
  • It is in no way your fault.
  • You are not alone.
  • Help is available.
  • There is hope & healing is possible

 

2)   Look forward, not back.

– The past is over.

Philippians 3:13-14 – …I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us.

If you run towards all God has for you, you distance yourself from your past.

1 Corinthians 9:26 – “So I run with purpose in every step.”

– Don’t limit the power of God.

Ephesians 3:20 – Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.

 

3)  Treasure God’s grace; don’t cheapen it.

Romans 3:8 – And some people even slander us by claiming that we say, “The more we sin, the better it is!” Those who say such things deserve to be condemned.

 

4) Live in truth.

– Don’t hide.  (Your sin or from people)

John 3:21 –  But those who do what is right come to the light so others can see that they are doing what God wants.

– Immerse yourself in God’s truth

2 John 7-11 – I say this because many deceivers have gone out into the world. They deny that Jesus Christ came in a real body. Such a person is a deceiver and an antichrist.  Watch out that you do not lose what we have worked so hard to achieve. Be diligent so that you receive your full reward.  Anyone who wanders away from this teaching has no relationship with God. But anyone who remains in the teaching of Christ has a relationship with both the Father and the Son.  If anyone comes to your meeting and does not teach the truth about Christ, don’t invite that person into your home or give any kind of encouragement.  Anyone who encourages such people becomes a partner in their evil work.

You can’t control the things that hurt you, but you can replace them with truth.

2 Timothy 3:16 – All Scripture is inspired by God and is useful to teach us what is true and to make us realize what is wrong in our lives. It corrects us when we are wrong and teaches us to do what is right.

 

5) Celebrate freedom / healing!

Psalm 32:1-2 – Oh, what joy for those whose disobedience is forgiven, whose sin is put out of sight!  Yes, what joy for those whose record the Lord has cleared of guilt, whose lives are lived in complete honesty!

 

Notice the key through it all…

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. 2 We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith.[a] Because of the joy[b] awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne.  – Hebrews 12:1-2

 

Takeaway (The 140)…

 

140:   Don’t let anything rob you of God’s best for your life.  The WHY is greater than the WHOs & WHATs that would keep you from it!
#questionit

 

TAKE IT HOME:
  • What people or things tend to rob students of God’s best for their lives?
  • How do you know when to move on from someone or something?
  • As you move on, what does it mean to live in truth?
  • What steps do you need to take today to move towards God’s best for you?

 

*For more resources and encouragement, click here.